by a pair of eyes. Not just any eyes, but the most beautiful smiling eyes I have seen in a long time. It wasn’t until I had walked past him that I realized that the pair of eyes were attached to a gorgeous male presense… and that he had been looking straight at me when he flashed those eyes and smiled. Even before I had gotten in the door to the convenience store. Those beautiful eyes were meant for me…

Of course, I am ruling out the fact that I was wearing a T-shirt that says “Things NOT to do today… 1. Care 2. Listen 3. Pay Attention”

Nope, those eyes that illicited a shy crooked grin and a blush were meant only for me…

:::Blink:::

What?

again. My aunt found another hilarious one!!

Why your printer doesn’t work.

My aunt sent me this and I giggled loud enough for my boss to hear me on the other side of our office building…

DEER ROPING

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog-tie it and transport  it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it…it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt in that weight range.I could fight them down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer– no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set before hand…kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head–almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse –strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So…………………. now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope…….. to sort of even the odds

For the first time that I can remember ever since I have outgrown the teenage years and crushes on film idols (OMG! Look it’s David Cassidy on that magazine cover! *jumps and squeals until all the adults nearby cover their ears and give looks that could kill my way*)… I have a crush. I think that if I were ever to meet this man I would be all blushed and flustered to the point of not being able to utter a single coherent word. This cartoonist is amazingly spot on with his spoofs of cats.

Cats have a tendancy to be loving one second and demons the next. They do what they want, when they want, and damn the torpedo’s if you try to make them do anything. The funny thing is that once you do what they want you to do, then they don’t want it anymore. I love cats because of their unpredictable predictability.

The first person to draw my attention to Simon Tofield was the wascilly wabbit herself, Thumper, over at Thumper Thinks Out Loud. Ever since, I have done my best to not stalk the guy… and low and behold, he sneaks a new cartoon in on me when I wasn’t stalking looking.

Please enjoy, as I did, Simon’s latest make-you-laugh-out-loud cartoon, TV Dinner.

comes a hilarious joke from my mother. Thanks, Mom!

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The Irishman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from the f**kin’ skippin!”

**I would have written this sooner, but I wanted to give this justice and this was one of those that held my emotions too tight to write it properly. The third death in my lifetime that was not related that made me cry. The other two were John Wayne and Elvis Presley… yea, I know, I’m weird that way.

Growing up in the early 70′s was interesting to say the least. My high school years were spent experimenting with many new and wonderful things. Flower power was fading, but Jimi and Janis were still a part of our lives. Heavy Metal bands were becoming the new rage, disco techs were finding their niche and experimenting with pot was the thing to do. I was a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll, and a lot into music. The Beatles still were going strong in my part of the world and I did my best to keep up with all of them.

About that time another phenom was hitting the vinyls… comedy. If you didn’t live near a big city, you didn’t get exposure to great comedy… the no holds barred kind, unless you went to the movies. Cheech & Chong and Richard Pryor held most of that niche. Up In Smoke being one of the best that comes to mind. If you didn’t have the spare cash to see a movie, then you bought the record. I remember my copy of Up In Smoke came with a huge rolling paper in the album. The teenagers of my time loved it.

This brings to mind one of the times best… George Carlin. This man almost single handedly changed my views of the world and pretty much started the change in what could and could not be said on TV. He made people think while making them roll with laughter. His views were always controversial and and his humor always struck a cord with someone. I idolized this man.

George… your humor and wit will always be with me and the millions whom you made laugh. You will be sorely missed. Rest in peace, Dude… rest in peace.

You can read more about George

here

.

7 dirty words

The Ten Commandments

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health .
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service.

Simon Tofield is a genius! He also knows very well how a cats mind can work.

Erin Go Bragh! Happy St. Patricks Day!

* Why do good for you foods give you gas from hell? I could power my own car from here to sunny CA! TMI? Heh…

* How long a person could survive without portions of their skin that they shredded because they couldn’t stop skritching? (Just kidding here… I am managing so far NOT to shred my skin… I think lol)

* Why boys have this innate need to fight? I have one sporting a black eye from getting knocked to the ground and into a log that just happened to be there… he fell on the other boys hand and broke that boys thumb… so now mine thinks he taught the other boy a “lesson” because he accidentally broke someone’s thumb. Please… I am rolling my eyes enough for all of us.

* If the house pest is trying to worm his way back into our house… he is being wayyyy too nice lately.

* If the tatoo I am planning on getting in the next week or so will itch more than poison ivy does… hmmm.

* If it will hurt more too… Nahhhhh, I am tougher than that… I think.

* If my BFF will like / love my design for the tat.

* Where I should place that tat on my over the hill, plumptitious (<<< my new made up word) body where it won’t distort in later years enough to scare children…

* How many of you have myspace pages… I resisted as long as I could… I swear! heh.

What are you wondering? Ask away! Honest… just ask. I will answer to the best of my “plumptitious” abilities.