There should be better measures in place to protect the innocent child. I spent the last two days trying to straighten out a mess that should never have occured. I have been frustrated, angry and just down right perplexed at how the system can keep failing my son.
For the last week my son has been harrassed and bullied by a kid of the same age as he is, but he is in a grade higher… he is a freshman in high school, while my son is still struggling through the 8th grade. Men instill in their boys a sense of honor that states that you don’t tell or snitch on another kid. Boys grow up with the fear that they will be ridiculed by their peers if they tell on someone. This stupidity frustrates me to no end.
If he can come home and tell us that this boy has been threatening to beat him up, but refuses to give a name up… what is a parent to do. It is very difficult to go to the powers that be in the school, if you don’t have a name, especially in the school where he is. These kids are expected to be perfect little angels and they are not. Kids will be kids. BUT, when a child is bullied it becomes another matter.
I made the mistake of thinking that the threats were just talk. Kids are going to fight, but it is another thing when a child goes out of his way to start a fight, and this is what happened on Thursday.
The youngin’ was walking to the bus and trying to avoid this other child. It didn’t work and this other child found him and started pushing him in the back hard enough to make my child stumble. He had his arms full of his school books and was afraid they would scatter, so he tried to get away from him. A teacher saw this other child push him once and asked them if there was a problem. The other kid backed off and said that they were just playing. My child took this opportunity to hide amongst the crowd of kids at the bus stop.
The other kid then got on the bus and asked the other kids if my son was on the bus. When he saw that he wasn’t, he got off the bus and went to look for him. (Getting off the bus, once on it, is against the rules… but he wasn’t stopped. My son was suspended last year for the very same thing.)
The other kid found my son, walked up behind him and started pushing him again. My son almost fell and almost lost his books again, so he put them down. Apparently according to the rule book, if you put your books down, you are inviting the fight. That was not his reasons for doing that. As soon as he put down his books the other kid started to taunt him. Another boy called out to my son and as he turned to look, the bully attacked him, hitting him in the temple. My son then covered his face trying to avoid the punches. As soon as that happened a teacher stepped in and pulled the bully off.
This next part is what bothers me. Both boys were taken to the office and both were given 9 days out of school suspension. I didn’t know this until I arrived at the school. I went ballistic after she told me this. I explained that this boy has been taunting my son for a week with threats to beat him up. This same boy is one of the kids that got one of my puppies… but I didn’t know who he was until after I got my son home… and I got the whole story from my son and some of the witnesses.
My son never threw a punch. He never did anything except try to protect himself and they were going to punish him too? I called the school and explained the whole story this morning… and I then received a call back. The principle was out of town but they managed to contact him. They changed my sons punnishment to in school suspension over at the high school, because they know how hard my son has worked trying to pass this year. As soon as the principle gets back, we are going to have a long chat about this kid and the threats he made all week. I am going to ask that the ISS be removed from my son so he can keep up with his schoolwork. I am also going to explain how this kid purpously stalked my son and started this fight.
Since the fight I have heard nothing from my old man but ranting and raving about how bad the system is over there at the school. He has done nothing but yell about this for the last 24 hours. I also had to listen to how he wasn’t going to tell the youngin not to fight anymore. He told him that if a kid starts on him again to just punch him and get it over with. I then had to do a lot of repair to the kids esteem and told him that I trusted him to do the right thing, no matter what his dad told him. I also told him that I couldn’t take this anymore. The stress is becoming too much for me and it is one of the reasons that my hair has started to fall out.
The toll from this whole nightmare I am living in is starting to show. I look older than I am. I can’t lose weight, I can’t stop smoking and I have heartburn constantly and again, my hair is failling out. Today at work the heartburn was so bad that I couldn’t tell if it was chest pains or heartburn. I haven’t hurt this bad since before my gallbladder was taken out.
I am at my wits end. I thought many times over this weekend that maybe I should just leave the whole mess behind and try to get my life back together. Get my health back and try to find some sense of peace. I cried and prayed all last night, and I always come back to the same conclusion… that until my son is of age… he needs me. He needs my stability and my sense of right and wrong. He needs me to remind him that he has his own mind and can think for himself. He needs my council when no one else will give him the right answers. He NEEDS me to get him through these last few years of childhood, through school and into college and I will stay to do just that.
I just hope that my health will hold out until then… I so need a miracle.
You are right……he does need you. This is one child that under his fathers influence could easily give up and go the wrong way in life.
You do need to give up the smoking and soon, or you could end up like your brother with four heart attacks in one day, or the older generation that are now gone. Heart disease is a big factor in your genes that needs to be attended to. Mostly it hits the men, but you are teetering on the edge right now.
IMHO
There is something serendipitous in the fact that I was directed here via Michele’s M&G today…
My son was bullied the entire school year last year (7th grade) by two boys his own age, although one is literally twice his size. The bullying took place in school and on the grounds of our condo community, where they pushed him to the ground, exposed themselves to him, etc. It was horrible. They targeted other kids as well, but their main target was my son.
The police said they couldn’t do anything because the boys are only 13. The school, instead of kicking the bullies off the bus put my son on a special bus (a short-bus) which just created more taunting.
Finally, I wrote a letter to our local paper and got calls from FIVE other parents whose kids had been targeted by these same boys. I got a lawyer to write to the school board. I spoke before my condo board.
This year, things are a bit different. The bullies are on the “short bus”, the police have found grounds to press charges against one of the boys (he pushed a 72 year old woman), and the tide is turning.
I am still vigilant. But here is my final point to you: My son lost his dad to lung cancer when he was only 8 years old. His dad was 46. Smoking took away a person who was his world… who could be helping us through this… but instead my son just feels like another bad thing is happening in his life.
Quit smoking. That is the best thing you can do to help your son.
Off my soap box now… best of luck and don’t give up!!
As a lad, I was often the target of bullies. Then my father taught me how to fight. No, that’s not always the key, and things have certainly changed in the last 40 years, but… it’s amazing how quickly a bully backs off with a broken nose. And once I tagged one of them, the rest of the cowards found easier targets.
Tell your son if’n he’s gong to get bust for fighting ANYWAY, aim for the nose or the nads… put the SOB down, and things will change. Of course, there’s always that chance that it will escalate, in today’s world, so I guess I have no real advice…
Just for the record, I am not a proponent of trying to fight back against these kids. In my son’s case, he is 82 pounds and the perpetrator is 160 pounds. Even so, if my son were to try and hit the kid it WOULD escalate.
We recently had a situation here where a boy pushed another boy and he fell to the ground, hit his head and died. Both families were destroyed.
My message has always been that you do not touch another person in anger, ever. Self-defense is one thing, but engaging in a physical battle is something else and can lead to a much worse situation.
My son is not a small child and is behind in school 2 years because of his previous behavior. Any year before this and he might have instigated the fight… but this year he has done a huge turnaround.
This year all he wants is to get into high school. Because he is bigger than most of the kids in his class, he has found himself to be a target. He is 6’2′ and about 190 lbs at 15.
He has been told and told that fighting at school will only bring him more struggles and he now realises that after being set back another year. He could have easily beaten back this kid if he had wanted to, but he chose the defensive track and for that I am proud of him. It is his father that now says fight back when threatened… but I think that my son knows the fight could set him back in school again and he also knows that if that happens the chances of him quiting school are too great to maybe resist.
He is a smart kid and is making the right choices as he ages… I hope it continues no matter what his dad suggests.
I also want to point out that I am the passive one and his father is the aggressive one… hopefully we balance each other out…
I recently read Jodi Piccoult’s book, 19 Minutes, that dealt with this very issue.
Having been in a similar situation, although with girls instead, here’s what I found out. My daughter was harassed constantly by one girl inparticular. When it escalated into a girl fight (after my daughter taking several hits) my daughter faught back. The Dean’s answer was to give them both ISS, he stated that they always punish both. I asked him what ever happened to self defense. Because there comes a point when you can only protect yourself for so long and have to retaliate for your own safety. Our school rules are if you are hit 3 times you can hit back in self defense. The Dean dropped my daughter’s ISS. And now the other girl is on what they call ‘watch’. She is not allowed near my daughter. But, we have a really small school, and it’s easier for the teachers to keep an eye out.
I guess the point is that you should always take the high ground and not fight, however, you still have to protect yourself. Your son showed great restraint , and you should be really proud of him. Oh for the days when a bandaid would solve all their problems.
Now, stop smoking!
He’s the best incentive.