Dear help line…
How does one motivate a 14 year old that has no wish to be motivated?
No matter what I do or say, I cannot get him to see the bigger picture.
I can’t get him to see that living paycheck to paycheck is not a life.
I cannot get him to see that the things he wants to do in life takes an education, including college.
What do I do?
His friends are not the best but I don’t think there is anywhere I could take him where it would or could be safe from drugs or gangs in this day and age.
His friends are getting arrested.
His friends are commiting crimes.
His friends are smoking, drinking and doing drugs.
His friends are overdosing and ending up in hospitals.
His friends are constantly fighting with someone and amongst each other.
I am at a loss.
Do I bribe with electronics or other “interesting” things of value to him?
Do I threaten? Promise bodily harm? Beg? Cry? Honestly, I have tried all and none have worked.
Do I try intervention from authority figures? Not tried this but considered it.
Do I make him go to church and hope that it will make him see reason? Considered this too but all it does is cause controversy in my home. I am Methodist and his father is Catholic (cough).
I am coming to my wits end and I am not sure how much more I can take.
Thanks for listening,
Feeling helpless in GA
Looking at the situation from the outside in is really not much help.
Those in the home can only see what they want to see, as he is doing. Kids tend to have blinders on in their lives and can only see what is directly in front of them, and not the far picture.
Then there is Mom & Dad each pulling from different directions…adding to the confusion.
He has had a broken family living under the same roof….and that is not easy for anyone, let alone someone in early adolescence. His voice is changing, his body is changing, and that too adds to his confusion.
I see that he needs both of his parents….working together…not one, then the other..but that is seemingly impossible. I think you all need to get counseling before it is too late…..and even become a family again in the true sense to save this child.
Not having kids, I have no base of experience to speak from, save for my own; but I agree with the previous commenter, in so far as counseling goes. Your son is in the “you can’t tell me nuthin’” rebellious phase, one I’ve seen a couple-three of my nieces/nephews go through. Get through it they all did, but not without some rough life lessons on the path to growing up. I wish you success on this one!
Havin’ one much like yours, I can only tell you that perseverance wins out. Be consistent in what ever you do, be it rewards or punishment. Pray daily. Talk constantly, but change the content or they’ll tune you out.
Love them, and let them know you do.
You will be hated, cursed and called names…. that means you’re getting through
Ahhh, yes, teenagers are such fun. Love him, set boundaries and expectations WITH consequences and rewards. Come up with A PLAN and follow through. Let him know your proud of him even at the small things. Let him know you’re disappointed in his choices. Explain why, without lecturing. Let him hear you telling someone else (without his knowlege that you know he’s there) that he’s done something great (raised a grade, helped someone out etc.) It’s amazing how you can tell them direct and it doesn’t mean as much to them as you telling someone else and him “overhearing” it. Take him to do some volunteer work (soup kitchen, Habitat for Humanity etc.) It’s amazing how showing them what others don’t have will change an attitude. And make it a family thing, or even something just the two of you do together. Yes, you’ll have to drag him, but it’s worth it. Look into tours of prisons or drug rehabs for at risk youths, it’s a shock, but it stays with you. Above all keep an open mind, remember what you were like ‘back then’ and find a release for yourself. Good luck Phoenix. Anytime you need to vent, let me know.
You do the best you can to point things out to him and teach him what is right and wrong.
Use his goals to move him forward and hope he follows those dreams and you rewqard him for progress not bribing him in hope he will hear you.
My 16 year old daughter decided that she had enough of school two months ago.
We cut off her supply of money and anything that is entertainment unless she earns it.
At the moment she has decided it’s to boring at home so is looking into going back to school.
Maybe if you find him a part time job to keep him away from his friends and put some coin in his pocket it would help.
I stopped by to wish you a Happy Valentines Day
Well, my opinion is that what is earned is treasured. My mother started me paying rent when I was about 16. I had to manage money and figure out what was truly important. I didn’t like school, but I always knew that I would graduate.
I think that part of his problem is that he sees that people CAN live paycheck to paycheck and he doesn’t think that anything else is possible. I would agree with Walker. Make him earn TV time, games, rides to places and events. Then he will understand that things have to be worked for. You will be “hated,” yelled at, told that you are “ruining his life,” etc. That just means that you are doing your job as a parent…