From Carlo… Loneliness.
Loneliness.
3. lone; solitary; without company; companionless.
Companionship.
1. association as companions; fellowship.
(both definitions from www.dictionary.com)
Simple words, huh? Well, I have always suffered with it. You see, I grew up an only child. There are people that have had problems with their siblings, and there are people that love their siblings, however, those people have never really had to deal with the empty space in their lives that is true loneliness, because there is/was always someone there, someone who, underneath it all, loves them. Add to that the fact that I was a “latch-key†child, for those of you that don’t know that term it means that I was home alone a lot because my mother worked full time and my father lived 2 hours away.
Because I grew up lonely, I spent a lot of time looking for companionship. I mean true companionship, open communication; free flow of ideas; joy in each others successes; that kind of thing. This has led me to some very poor relationship choices, because I wasn’t very comfortable with myself. To be honest, until about six years ago, had you asked me how I felt about myself I would have said, “I love my life but I hate myself.†That is probably a response to yet another poor relationship choice.
However (comma), throughout these last few months I have changed. I have discovered a lot more about myself that, as an introvert, I never knew. I have found that I can bear more, and do more, under stress, than I ever thought possible. So, while I still feel that ache inside me that is the loneliness that I have always carried, I can accept it more, now, than I ever could before.
Now comes the funny part (yes, there really is a funny part, even if it’s ironic humor). The person that I have to thank for it is my latest ex wife. She showed me that I don’t need a wife (admittedly, she did that the hard way), I need people that love me and care for me. I don’t need physical intimacy, I need mental and emotional intimacy, and they are not equal. Personally I need mental and emotional intimacy far more than I need the physical, and, in my mind, the physical is an outgrowth of the mental and emotional. So, I have learned that I have the strength to not “settle†for a companion that sort of meets my needs, but I will take the time to find the companion that completely meets my needs.
Mind you, my friends, and they are few, are the people that keep me together. They fill that void in my life until I can find the right woman. And, NO, my friends are not people that I have settled for, either. They are wonderful people that chose me, and then let me see how special they are. They are the people that have kept saying that I am a special person right along with them, and they never stopped. They have shown me that everyone has issues, nobody has their stuff completely together, and that’s OK. They showed me that a person that doesn’t need help is the loneliest person of all, because they never open up to the greater joy of companionship.
For me, this is a big step, and the stresses in my life have come together at the right place to make this change. So, I needed this deployment, the re-marriage of my ex, the changes that happened over the year and a half before I deployed.
I can now change my answer to, “I like myself, but I hated the road to get here.â€
Carlo
You learned the lesson in a different kind of furnace than I did, Carlo; but I find that it’s easier to bear up alone, than ‘alone and miserable’ with someone not compatible or interested in being so.
Skunk has good advice there. I’d rather be alone than with someone who isn’t good for me.
But your safety is my first concern for you right now and I’m also praying you are sent a special love when you return home.
Your self-described adopted mom.
As I read this Carlo, I sense a freedom within you that I have read before. Many times it is those painful experiences that do teach us life’s important lessons.
You remain very much in my thoughts. Take care of yourself and return to us soon.
Mind you, I still have a good bit to deal with, however, I am muddling my way through it as best I can. I am glad that I have a support system in place, because we are, after all, social animals.
It sounds to me, Carlo, you’ve learned a lot in your life’s muddling. None of us get it exactly right – life is a test. You’ve come a long way, and I wish you the best life has to offer. Stay safe, and know we’re all pulling for you.
It makes me happy that you’re focusing on yourself Carlo. You have to have a happy self that can survive independently and be happy before you can include someone else. We are the ones who make our lives what they are. Keep smiling and stay safe.
Beautiful post!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Life is a journey and I think you met some great people along the way.
The knowledge of intimacy itself is a big, big, step.
I am glad you are liking yourself. We like you too!
Learning never stops, not even for the ones you think have it together.
Stay Safe.
Take Care,
Raggedy
Companionship is nice, but the inner voice speaks loudest
same answer for me my friend! i’m glad i finally like me but the trip was hell!