Faith

It is hard to keep inner faith in yourself at times.

I try hard daily to look at the pluses in my life. Family, fairly healthy and friends. Sometimes I stop and list the pluses and the minuses and wonder how I make it day to day. I have my own shortcomings and I am realistic enough to know I have them. I am not perfect and will never profess to be.

What I AM is horribly lonely. Yet again, I have people around me. Still, there is a void that cannot be filled by them. Try as they might… they cannot fill the emptyness that surrounds my heart. Forget the wants because my needs are just not being filled.

Instead of happiness and laughter, I get anger and bitterness. There is a constant battle going on around me daily. From the moment I wake, to the moment the night envelops me… angst, tension, nit-picking, and constant compromise on my part.

I am told to leave; get away from it. My response is always “How?”. It is just not that easy for me to walk away. It is my income that keeps the roof over my sons head. Barely, but it does. I have a great job that pays well. Just not well enough to get me out of the hole I am floundering in or to buy a car to escape at least for a little while every so often.

I have even resorted to auctioning off my business. Yes, it is that bad. The dreams I had with it are gone. It is all just sitting here gathering dust bunnies and is a constant reminder of my failure to yet again make something work right. Even the auction is failing. No one is even looking at it. If you know of anyone that might be interested… it is here.

Yet, I still try to keep my faith. I can’t give in to all of this. If I do, life is just not worth living out.

As many know, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Yet, when I try to share it… it is usually “borrowed” without returning it. Realistically, my looks are not every mans fantasy. Genes and Mother Nature made sure of that. So I try to fill that void with smarts, good nature, caring and honesty. Has it paid in dividends? No, but I have not given up the good fight.

I am not even sure why I am writing this. I am not exactly depressed, yet I am. Loneliness does that to people. Facing another night of sleeping alone after years of an empty bed does that, to me anyways. Facing another day of arguements and bitter rages can do it as well.

Where is the good, when all you ever see and hear is bad? When will it be my time to be happy all the time? I just have to keep telling myself… someday.

The world is so full of angry souls. I feel the pressure of it constantly. In the news, at work and at home. Bickering everywhere. Killing, fighting and mayhem seems to be an ever present thing. What happened to the days of sunshine and roses? Peace and love, not war.

One can only imagine these days. That is what keeps the fire burning deep within my soul. Someday I will know peace, love and a bed filled with a warm and willing body… I would just like it to happen before I pass on to the next life is all.