Bliss?
The boys left on their little vacation last night about 7:30. I was ok for about 2 hours and then the dreaded “house is too quiet and there is no one making any noise” syndrome set in. It went from there to “What do I do now?”. I suddenly had no reason to sit and hide on my computer to get away from the WH. No reason to avoid listening to anyone fighting, wanting to pick a fight or just plain being rude. My reason for sitting here doing my usual thing was gone and I was lost without it.
“Be careful what you wish for” has haunted me since that moment. That sentence has been at the forefront of several things in my life this past week.
- I was a little jealous of time spent in someone’s company and now that person is gone and here I sit with a lost vacation.
- I wanted some peace and quiet and I got it. Now I have to adjust to my son not being here for a whole week.
- I wanted some quiet concentration time to get some projects I am working on here done. I have it but now I feel lost and dont know where to start. Throw in some feelings of “why are you sitting here?” and you get the picture.
Yesterday the lost vacation time hit me very hard. I went through such a wide range of emotions it scared me. I laughed and cried, got angry (very angry) and felt such pangs of dispair that I felt I would lose myself in it.
I can’t honestly remember a time in my life where I knew, without a second thought, that if a certain person had been with in reach I would have struck them. Twice in my live I have been driven to hitting another, but I blacked out and don’t remember it. I am not a violent person. I am like most large men. I am a woos and a big softee. I would never hurt a living thing (except bugs). I brake for animals, no matter their size. I have a huge rescue complex and feel the need to help anyone or thing in need.
Not the case yesterday. I felt betrayed. This person quit without giving a second thought to anyone else’s needs. She knew I had vacation coming. She also knew it was desperately needed. The stress from the holidays was more than I thought possible and this week was suppesed to be my healing time.
I know in a few days I will stop feeling all this. I just don’t like feeling out of control. Yesterday, I had no control and today I can write about it without breaking. Today I am truly OK. I guess the healing has already started in a way.
Have you ever felt emotionally out of control? Please tell me how you dealt with it. What did you do to bring yourself back to the real you?
Hugs and kisses!
