His Phoenix

Once we understand where we have come from, why we are here, and where we are going, we will realize what we must do.

*Ostad Elahi, 1895 – 1974
* Iranian Philosopher, Musician and Jurist
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How is it that one person can raise or lower our moods within just milliseconds? I know that I am here for my son, but the rest of it just has me bewildered. I have always believed that we are here for a reason and purpose, and until that purpose is done, here we shall stay. I just have not figured out why the rest of what life has to offer keeps just at my fingertips. Not quite within reach. I have goals that I set a long time ago, but they keep getting knocked to the wayside due to the one person in my life that should be trying to make my life better, not worse.

My other half has a way of taking my day and sending it straight to the basement in terms of happy or sad. Today he came home in a seemingly great mood. Some guys on his job gave him some deer meat they had gotten over the weekend. There was at least 60 lbs of meat in the cooler. Then, instead of working on wrapping all the meat, he opened his mail. In just a matter of seconds he was ranting and raving over his bank statement of all things. 2 deposits were not showing and no matter what I said to calm him, he raved on and worked himself into a lather.

I knew that the deposits were there thanks to online banking. I have no clue why one of them wasn’t showing on his statement. The other had been deposited too late to make his statement. Now, so you understand better. I make more money than he does, but it is not enough to go it alone. I pay the bills every month and it wasn’t until last month that I got him to understand that by withholding the equivalent of 2 checks a month, I could not make bills and had gotten behind. If he would just listen to me more and quit fussing less, things would have been much better for us right now. We are still struggling… but seeing daylight.

With me as tired from work as I was today(yesterday), his sudden raving attitude threw me back to the basement. I have had about all one should ever have to take. There is a way to make things better, but at this moment in time, I don’t feel it is in my sons best interest. He needs both parents to be stable and together. He is in the rebelling stage, but still has that loving innocence that I just can’t shatter yet. So today as always I bit my tongue. I stayed quiet but wanted to scream out my frustrations. His ire over a stupid statement carried over into other things… such as his not being able to locate a roll of tape so he could wrap up his deer meat. He accused me and my son of taking it. It had just been moved is all.

Things are quiet now as he is in his room watching his show on TV. I am calm again and things are semi-normal. I think sometimes that this is all a test of my strength and will power. I sure would like to know what it is I am being tested for. Will my goals ever be reached? I don’t know. Will I ever find the happiness that I desire so deeply? I am beginning to think not. The one person that could change things completely around for me is too damnably far away… but I hope he knows how much he is loved. I hold so much love in my heart… kept away, hidden and treasured… scared that it too will be taken from me.

May your days be filled with healthy lives, laughter and love. Someone sure needs to have it… mine seems to have gotten lost in the shuffle somewhere.

P.S.: It’s a new day and I awoke feeling better, but I was not up to writing a whole new post. May this Indian prayer below be with all of us today and from here on out.

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May the sun
bring you new energy by day,
may the moon
softly restore you by night,
may the rain
wash away your worries,
may the breeze
blow new strength into your being,
may you walk
gently through the world and know
its beauty all the days of your life.

*Native American Blessing
* Attributed to the Apache Tribe